If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
