He uses pillows to masturbate.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
