I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
