I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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