Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
