Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
