I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
