The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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