think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
