Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
