I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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