Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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