His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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