I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
