Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
