the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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