who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
