Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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