we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
