did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
