my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You need Xanax blowdarts
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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