Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
