the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
