Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
