So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize