guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
