Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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