That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
