dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
