I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
