I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I bet he comes in French.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We talked him into tasing himself.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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