There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
