her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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