My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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