We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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