So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
