You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
