Please, let me fuck your mom
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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