Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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