Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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