I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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