Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My dick has a subreddit
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
