I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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