My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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