Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
