I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
