when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
