Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
