remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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