I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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