Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
