porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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