I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
