well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
