you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
