So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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