we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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