mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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