Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
