A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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