You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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