zippers are such a cool invention
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
