it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
