i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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