I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
