Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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