ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
