Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize